Toxic thinking. Have you ever known someone whose thinking has been poisoned by the words and actions of others? I’ve known several folks like this. Many of them developed toxic thought patterns about themselves because of verbal abuse by a wounded parent. There is an old saying in Scripture that goes something like this, “The parents have eaten sour grapes and the children’s teeth are set on edge.” Toxic or poisoned thinking is often a generational issue; the grandparent is angry from an unhealed wound, afflicts their child with their bitterness and on and on it can go generation after generation.

 Toxic thinking brought people from all walks of life to my counseling office. It saddened and amazed me how some people’s mind had been poisoned by the thoughtless, cruel words of a parent. And, the toxic thought patterns of my clients were leaking their poison into the thought patterns of their children and spouses. My job was to help these folks see the damage toxic thinking was doing to them, renounce it, and learn to think and act more healthily.

The following statement is from a client who wanted to break the destructive pattern. “I want my daughter to grow up thinking much better of herself than I did.” This woman, a successful businessperson,  going through a divorce, had come to see the negative impact her mother’s words had had on her. She was determined to heal and stop the cycle of toxicity and she made good progress toward rearing her daughter in a more positive environment than she had grown up in.

 I saw toxic thinking and the resultant toxic words at work when I was a young boy. I was close enough to the family to understand that poisonous thinking affected one generation after another; the grandmother, the mother, and the son, Josh. Josh was the unfortunate and undeserving recipient of the toxic thinking that had poisoned at least two previous generations. 

Josh and I were friends and visited each other’s home on a regular basis. He was a good kid, had several siblings, but seemed to receive a disproportionate amount of the brunt of his mother’s angry outbursts. Instead of gently correcting him, she would hit him with a broom or with her fist. But, what probably hurt him more deeply were the toxic words he came to think or believe about himself, “You can’t do anything right.” I was around this situation several times and knew Josh was just a “normal” kid, certainly not deserving this awful treatment. I felt sorry for him but it was difficult to relate to his situation since I never experienced this kind of abuse at home. Josh and his family moved to another town just before he became a teenager and I would only see him occasionally or when our schools would compete in basketball.

It would be years before I began to see how that message, “You can’t do anything right,” seems to have affected Josh. Somewhere along the way, he must have believed and adopted his mother’s view of himself. If you hear your parent’s message often enough and long enough you tend to believe it is true. Believing a negative message can have devastating results.

Josh began falling behind in school and eventually gave up and dropped out of high school. He left the state to find work and eventually despaired of his life but failed in his attempt to end his misery. Two marriages ended in failure. Thankfully, Josh came to embrace God’s love for him and some deep healing took place. Tragically, for most of his life he had allowed the toxic, evil thinking of someone he loved to dominate his thinking. That way of thinking had almost destroyed him but, thank God, he found acceptance, forgiveness, and grace in Jesus.     

When you look in the mirror do you see someone who can identify with Josh? Somewhere deep within you do you believe you are worthless or unloved? If you do, you have believed a lie straight out of hell. God loves you and wants the best for you. If you see someone in the mirror that identifies with Josh’s mother, please get help for the healing and help you need to correct your toxic thinking.

Toxic thoughts produce negative feelings about yourself and others. Your feelings are what they are but they are not based on truth. Healing will come when you acknowledge your feelings, forgive those who have hurt you and, change your thinking to agree with God’s estimate of your worth.  God loves you so much that He gave His only Son to die for you.

Perhaps my words cause you to consider the impact your words and actions, good or bad, can have on someone you love. Bless them with your loving words and encouragement. May God give you the power to bless those you love.

The following is an article on 9 toxic thinking patterns that can affect your marriage or other close relationship. https://bodymind.com/9-toxic-thought-patterns-in-relationships

The central issue in my work is about how to help our relationships work well. There are three of my books that deal in depth with our relationship with God, self, marriage, and parenting. You can check out these books and others at http://cosdavis.com/books .